Forgiveness — a main part of my journey

When my three daughters were murdered on the 23rd of January 1987 I went to the brink of mental devastation. At the time it was very difficult to function, being pushed from pillar to post, and basically just doing whatever I was told to do.

When I found out that Richard Madrell had committed the murders, it was then that my venom could be directed, and that was when I started going into things like hatred, anger and revenge thoughts.

And then, of course, the ‘Why Me’ dialogue started. It sent me into the guilt area… things like ‘I shouldn't have got divorced and I should've been there.’

Probably about two weeks later, I started to meditate, taught to me by my son, Andrew. I got what was like a message saying… ‘Hey, if you persist in being hateful, angry and vengeful, you're going to end up like that.’ It was a choice.

Many months later I got a call from Margaret Throsby's researcher at ABC Radio to come in and talk to her. I had never spoken on radio before; I didn't know what I'd be talking about. Margaret Throsby started going through all of this. She actually asked me the question, “And you have forgiven him?” That was when I had this rush of adrenalin, and thought, ‘Well, hey, it's too late now. People are going to think I'm a bit of a nut’ … and then ‘Yes Margaret, I have forgiven him’. They were the thoughts that went on in my mind … and then I said ‘Ah, but I tell you, I've done it for me, not for him. Forgiveness is a very personal matter — forgiveness is for the forgiver not for the forgiven’.

“You can't change what happened in the past and you can't change the attitude of the other person towards what they may have done. The only thing you can change is your mental attitude. By letting go things of the past you will be putting yourself in clear water. By holding on to them you will be keeping yourself in the rocky and shallow waters.”

You know, I thought that I had gone through the forgiveness process and learned heaps. I attended a seminar where the facilitator said to me, “Have you ever seen the killer of your girls?” And I said, “No, I haven't.”

“Well, maybe there's going to be something that can come out of it if you go to see him.”

Soon afterwards I proceeded to use the Conferencing System that the Correctional Services Department have in place, and we set up a meeting. It was frightening for me, and yet I wondered, “Why is this frightening?” Richard Madrell wanted to see me, he wanted to say sorry, and I wanted to see him, and I wanted to go through the forgiveness process face–to–face. And, that's ultimately what I did.

I practised saying what I was going to say. I'd written it all out. I wanted to do it in such a way that Richard Madrell understood where I was coming from.

We were all sitting down. Richard Madrell came in, and I said, “I've got a lot to say and I don't want it to be a lecture.” Then I said, “I feel quite nervous. How do you feel?” And he said, “I'm scared witless.”

So I spoke for nearly 45 minutes, talking about where I was coming from, as far as forgiveness was concerned. I went through everything. He said, ‘I never thought that I was ever capable of hurting so many people.” He also said that he had been in a lot of pain about this, and that he thinks about it every day and he apologised probably half a dozen times during the course of our meeting.

Forgiveness for me does not mean ‘pardon’, it does not mean ‘excuse’, and it does not mean ‘condone the event’, in any way, shape or form. It is just a process that's used to be able to help anyone get through the “situation” so that they don't harbour that anger, that venom, that hostility, that bitterness… things that will ultimately make one sick.

I'm not sure what was going through Richard Madrell's mind at the time, but at least I know that I said everything. At the end of this whole journey, when I came out, it was like a feeling of lightness, I felt good about this. And I felt, “Okay, that's the end of my 14 year journey on forgiveness.”

Did I learn more — absolutely.